That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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