The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
