I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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