I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
