I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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