I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Randomize
