I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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