I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
the condom got lost in my hair
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
