My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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