i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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