he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
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