Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
