definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
