There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
