I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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