after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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