There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
