i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
