are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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