A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
