I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
