The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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