dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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