And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
