totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
