This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Randomize
