Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
