just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
if only i could text you this smell
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
