Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
