I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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