His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Randomize
