I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
