Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
