If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
