ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize