people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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