How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
