he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Randomize
