tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
