you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
