I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
