Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
