dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
