Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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