i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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