so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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