If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize