umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
