What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Randomize
