Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
