Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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