I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
