Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
