Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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