Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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