I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
