Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize
