I can text with my tongue
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
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