so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
